Not Mine to Tell

First though, I have officially published my website! Check it out! www.toddhulet.com


This story is not mine. It's not really even mine to tell. But it's completely true and very funny.

So I'll just change the names and tell it anyway.

Once upon a time, there was a boy who had a kitten. (See, clearly not my story.) The cat died while he was at school. The boy came home having no idea the tragedy that had occurred. But Mom knew. And Mom was scared to death to tell her son the news. What is Mom to do?


Drug her son of course!

Son goes to his room to get started on his homework after school. He is sitting on his bed when his mother enters.

"Um, Hi Mom."

"Hi, Son."

"What are you visiting for? You only visit my room when I'm in really big trouble or a family member has died."

"You're not in trouble. I just wanted to bring you some Arby's I got for you."

Mom holds out the Arby's regular roast beef sandwich, paper open and ready for a bite.
As the son reached for the sandwich, Mom held it closer to his mouth.

"Take a bite," she said with a smile. He obeyed.

Confused he did not yet realize what was happening.

"Take another bite."

"Mom, why is there white stuff on that--?" She pushed the beef closer.

"And another bite. And another."

"Mom! That sandwich is bitter!"

"Here have some lemonade. More lemonade. Now you look tired. Why don't you rest."

The son awoke a few hours later and was then visited again by his mother, "I found your cat dead on the street this morning."

The boy was torn up inside! Angry! Hurt! Sad! . . . And yet none of these feelings actually came to him. He wanted to bad to cry but no matter how hard he tried to be upset he was totally okay with the situation. THANK YOU XANAX!

Awesome.

Funny story, right? It's even funnier when you find out the boy was 16 at the time! SIXTEEN!

Banana, Tomatoes, and My Website!

I'm in La Jolla CA. I'm not making any money and don't have any money either. So what does one do? . . . One eats whatever one can find.

I did go grocery shopping at the beginning of this adventure to buy a few things that I could eat. The other night my supply was running VERY low; bananas, tomatoes, and tortilla chips. None of them sounded appetizing. Don't ask why, but for some unknown reason (and perhaps a bit of encouragement from Top Chef on my television) I decided that maybe they'd be more appetizing (drum roll) . . . together! I was pleasantly surprised by the first bite and felt maybe I had actually discovered something great.

No.

I had not. After about four more bites I realized that I was not enjoying this creation and the initial delight was very strongly determined by my undeniable hunger. On bite five I suddenly realized I had successfully created a dish that tastes the way vomit smells.

That was the end of my meal. I sucked it up and went grocery shopping again the next morning.

+ =

AND FINALLY . . .

Check out my new Website!
This is my new professional site and I'm really excited about it. And thanks to Captain Midnight for the link to the site.

Site Features: Samples of my Scenic Design Work and Samples of Songs from my Musical!

Awesome.

Porn and Things

Sorry it's been so long. At this point I need to write something otherwise I may never write again.

So you get very random things.

A) I miss my boyfriend. I sit in rehearsal for 12 hours a day with next to nothing to do. Austin and I were video chatting. He said he was tired and I asked him to stay online. This was our solution:Notice this box in the bottom corner.

Weird I know. But also really dorky-cute. Right?

Awesome.

B) Did you know that when you use a "B)" on facebook it turns into this:

Fine. Unless you are trying to type a list.

A) This is item one.
This is item two.
C) This is item three.

See. Kinda annoying.

C) This image has not left my thoughts. You need to see it too.

The thing you must notice is the positioning of her knees. How does one exactly get into that position? Thanks to this new fun blog I've had hours of amazingly awkward visual stimulation.

D) Porn. The composer of the show I'm working on is also working on a Musical About Porn. He spends most mornings interviewing pornstars and observing the shoots. I'm avoiding passing judgment on the project all together, but I just wanted to comment on the fact the the stories he shares are not what you'd think. Most of the stories are sad.

Also, how much research do you really need to do? How many porn shoots do you need to observe?

Also, is anyone reading this just because I put "porn" in the title?

E) I don't have millions of readers but was there anyone hoping to hear the rest of my "story" from my last post? Just wondering.

Story Time . . . And It's a Long One!

I'd like to share a little story.

It's a little ditty I wrote. A musical in fact. And one post at a time I'll share a new song.

I'm not going to start tonight but enjoy this little teaser. (That's my third "little")

BUT

I'll only do this on some conditions.
1) I'm looking for feedback. No feedback and I'll stop posting.
2) You share this with others.

Let me know if the link works. I've never done something like this. Also, I'd really like to post it without it being downloadable, so if it is let me know.

Favorite Kids Theatre Quotes

No exciting stories yet, so I'll give you some shorts:













(1) A girl walks up to the welcome table. Without any prompting for an intro she says to us:

"My name is Callie. I'm a Christian, so this is going to be hard for me."

Huh!?!?!

I work at a children's camp! We cater to child-ren! We're not doing Spring Awakening, Passion, or Hair. We were doing Wizard of Oz. How is this going to be "hard" for you?



(2) There was a boy named Marcus. He was good, I admit. And he knew it. His posse knew it too.

I came back from lunch and the first thing I saw was Marcus turn to his 4 lady followers and say,

"You don't have to tell me I'm pretty. I already know."



(3) A little girl returned for a second week. She was a very innocent sweet girl. I doubt she even knows more than one or two swear words.

She was working on being less inhibited and doing well.

During the cold reading portion of our first-day auditions. She was bold as could be when she read the line, "Shut your trap, you CRAB-ASS!"

The line actually read, "Shut your trap, you crabgrass."

The best part of the story is that we, the five teachers, all looked at each other and EXPLODED in laughter. So professional, right?



(4) And finally, my own proudest moment of the summer . . . ! [cue the trumpets]

I was explaining that everyone's vocal chords are different. Just like our faces have the same parts but still look completely different, so do our vocal chords have similar structure with slight alterations for each person. Of course, it didn't quite come out that way.

"Everyone's vocal chords are different," I began teaching. "even though they contain the same parts. Just like we all have eyes, a nose, and a mouth . . . Well, at least everyone in here has them."

Can you see the stunned faces of 20 teenagers? Frozen in time. So awkward. Finally someone laughed. Of course it wasn't a kid, it was my co-teacher laughing at my GIANT faux-pas. The kids started laughing too and all I could do is turn to the room and say,

"Wow, That's not funny at all, is it?"

I don't think anyone was really offended but I do think they enjoyed the biggest flippant disregard of PC-ness that company has ever seen.

Awesome.

Put it in the books, "Least tasteful human deformity joke--Todd."

Thanks guys. I'll accept this award on behalf of all the one-eyed, no-nosed, mouthless people. Shout out to the faceless!

I Don't Make This Stuff Up!

I'm so glad people are reading my blog!

Awesome.

Sorry I don't have a story for you now. I don't make this stuff up so we have to wait til something awesome happens. My apologies.

BUT,
I want Blogger friends! If you have a blog leave a link in my comments (can you do that?) so I can follow you. I need more blogs to read.

Thanks again,

Todd

PS. We're doing Legally Blonde this week at work. Hence the really happy, peppy typing. Sorry. I know it's obnoxious. And I added a goofy picture cause I hear pictures draw more readers.

Shortbus Drops off at Dunkin Donuts

I'm pretty sure the Dunkin Donuts I went to this morning recently had a community outreach hiring session. Of the four lovely ladies working only one was . . . well . . . lovely. The poor normal one looked like she had been thrown into a room of rats and was clearly trying her best to stay as far away from the others as possible.


An employee came over to help me and I feared something would fall in my coffee; A hair, something living in her hair, a tooth prehaps? Something was going to fall from her face and surprise me later. Still I put on my brave face and ordered.

I teach children and through text message I had offered my fellow teachers coffee, too. But I couldn't remember what they had ordered.

"I'll have a . . . um . . . Just a sec I need to check the text."

"Tell them to stop texting you."

Nobody was behind me, I wasn't holding up a line. Rude!

"No, I'm checking her order. . . She'll have a peach tea."

"Oh I know her." (Really? Is there only one person getting peach tea these days?!) She continued, "She's pregnant, right?"

I shot her a look. . . I know, rude. But I had to.

"Um, no."

I walked over to the register to wait my turn to pay. The customer in front of me was trying to order a dozen donuts. I wasn't expecting the register lady to be MORE INCOMPETENT than the first employee.

"I'll get six regular glazed, two chocolate egg white--"

"Oh those can't be in a dozen."

"Ok, I'll have two chocolate cake donu--"

"Those don't either."

"Really? Ok, well how about the maple bars."

"Sorry not those either."

"Wait really? I've never heard of that before. Which ones can I get?"

"Only the glazed ones."

"Huh?" You mean, all the other ones you have to buy separately?"

"No, you can get a dozen of those if you'd like."

"I thought that's what I was ordering."

"Oh. I thought you were just getting a dozen glazed donuts. That's a different price. Sorry."

The customer was very polite, but now talking the way you would to a 5-yr-old. "That's okay. Let's start over."

She ordered her donuts and my turn came. I paid for my things without major incident, although I did put the extra juice back as to avoid any unnecessary difficulty. I didn't know, maybe the extra juice I really didn't need anyway would have made the ol' noggin blow!?

What a trip! I left the establishment and opened my breakfast. I was not surprised to find the third "special" worker (who was working the back toaster--toasters are hard!) had given me a sausage sandwich and not a veggie. And thankfully I did NOT find any body parts in my drink.

Usually bad service turns me away from an establishment. But, like Paris Hilton's New BFF and RuPaul's Drag Race, I'm more anxious than ever to go back and see what hot mess happens next time.

Awesome!